Now and Then

Neither one of these pictures are me, they are just a snapshot of what I sometimes can be. I've been the wall flower child growing up, shy and timid, sometimes eating lunches alone at school, nervous of making friends. I've been the party girl who will be the first one on the dance floor, talking to strangers and making them laugh. I can make people laugh so hard that they cry, and shameful that it is, I have also made them cry when I lash out. I've been on amazing highs of "I can do anything" attitude, and the deepest lows of feeling so alone and defeated. I can love deeply and faithfully for others, but often times don't trust the same feelings when they're returned. Will it ever go away? When I hear the words "I love you", will it not be followed with my silent question "but for how long?" I've built my walls to never break down. Only a handful have made it inside, and there in lies my biggest fear. I'm afraid of letting people in, only to end up with them being the ones to let me go.

As my mother would say, "there are two sides to every story." In my story there's a girl who needs to belong and there's a girl who needs to break free. There's a girl whose been lost, and now she's finding out more of who she is every day. I've met so many people that share and have these complexes. I've met a wife, daughter, and mother whose rarely ever still with her thoughts, perhaps out of anxiety at the thought of being still. Yet it's in her solitude she finds her strength. I've met a man whose made a career out of pleasing others, yet denies who he really is to this day. I feel we all show our outside, but only a handful might see us for who we really are. The times when I felt most lucky was not when I won 200 dollars in blackjack or got out of a speeding ticket. It is when I get to see the handful of people who have let me in to their world and see a side that they show only the few. I feel so lucky to be worthy. Its these moments that in my mind I think, they must really like me and trust me for them to share themselves with me. It's these connections that I work so hard to earn, yet when earned, am unable to reciprocate.

I've been asked what is it I want to accomplish with this journey and with writing everything down? What is the purpose? Is there a purpose? I can't answer specifically, but one thing I know for sure. I'm tired of molding and shifting. I'm exhausted from oscillating between a girl who doesn't want to rely on others and a girl who desperately seeks the approval of worthiness. I swing back and forth from a girl who loves deeply to a girl who is so afraid of losing love, she pushes away. I'm hoping by the end of this I can say "This is who I am", and "I am worthy of the love given to me", and hoping by the end of all this, truly believe it inside.

I will be giving details of a trip possibly at the end of May and possibly having it being documented on film!