Thursday, June 24, 2010

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions!

That's what weddings are, decisions...wrapped up in pretty lace or disguised as an assortment of flowers, or being served to you with a side of potatoes and greens. But, these decisions are easy (in the grand scheme of things), they really are. Choosing flowers is not like choosing where you want to live... picking beef or chicken is much simpler than picking the right and wrong decisions, and finding the perfect wedding dress is alot easier than finding the perfect partner! Decisions and choices I have made are my own, and where I end up have been on my own accord. My decisions have been often times impulsive.... in fact, for those who know me well would argue that I am the most impulsive person they know. There are other words that could be used perhaps,... flighty... on the whim.... and for some that could be exciting, spontaneous; however, for myself it has usually ended up in disaster.

I have (quite a few times) roamed in videostores for close to an hour, unable to choose a movie... I have chosen a wedding dress, only now to be uncertain of it, I have moved a few times, only to be wanting to move again. All this from small to big decisions boils down to one thing, why am I still feeling unsettled... and will I ever feel at home, and if not, is that okay? I don't want to be like this, I want to be content with where I'm at... but its like staring at a sculpture.. at first I admire the beauty, but stare at it long enough, I start noticing the cracks. That's how I have made choices in my life, to avoid the cracks... to avoid people finding the hidden mistakes about me, as well as for me to avoid finding the cracks of other people. It's my mentality of "everything is fine until I feel I need you, or feel that you need me" that makes me want to push away... and often times, before, push away is the choice I made.

It is by no means personal, it was/is my line of defense growing up,... that and an awesome sense of humor! I felt it was important for people to like me, for me to be one of the group... so you adapt to what fits the mold. You try to cover the cracks and for a while, everything is good. But, of course, the closer you get to people, the more and more vulnerable you can become. With my fiance the closer I got to him, the more arguments we had. In my mind here is one person who could hurt me so deeply, I might never recover, so why give him, or anyone that chance? We joke now that I haven't packed my bags in an argument in a very long time... which sadly is true what I have done. I used to do that when I was little, pack my bags and want to run... but always secretly wanting someone to show me that they want me there, that they have made their own decision and chosen me. My mom has done this, my friends have done this, and the love of my life has made the choice to be with me.

All that rests now is upon me because I need to choose to accept they want me, that people don't have to go away, and that I also make the choices too... and say to myself, it's okay, stop running... just stop running Eun Joo... you have found where you belong.