Monday, May 31, 2010

Take a Deep Breath...

It's been over 3 months since I was last on here. I'll admit, my dedication started to waver and I became easily distracted. Even though this isn't my job and that any deadlines I make for myself are subjected to how I am feeling that day, I need to finish this through. I also would like to share what has kept me occupied, because what has been happening and what possibly could happen would change my life forever.

About 2 years ago, my adoptive Mother was diagnosed with Pulmonary Fibrosis, a progressive lung disease. It has been a very difficult 2 years filled with hospital visits, specialists, antibiotics, and side effects to the antibiotics. My Mother is on 24 hour oxygen support. My Mother has osteoporosis due to the steroids she has to take to help her breath easier, which weakens her bones, causing some of the hospital visits due to compression fractures. My Mother also now has diabetes, sleep apnea, and had gotten shingles due to her immune system being so low, the dormant chicken pox virus became active again. The list goes on, and from two years ago to now, we are finally at the stage where Lung Transplant is the final option. The process to be approved for Lung Tranplant Operation is daunting, but fortunately throughout the years, my Mom already had many of the tests done. Her case is now being reviewed with one more specialist she needs to see and to give the Review Board the okay. We have been told she is a good candidate for lung tranplant surgery, which is great to hear, ... and scary. And of course with all this taking precedence, our wedding has taken the back seat, and my trip to South Korea is in the trunk.

The idea of a major surgery does not scare me because I have faith that we are at the best place with the best doctors and surgeons. What scares me is seeing my Mom scared. What sometimes keeps me up at night or getting emotional when I see a white-haired woman crossing the street is the fact that my Mom needs me now, and I am scared that she needs me. I feel helpless, which frustrates me, which makes me angry, and than guilty for feeling angry, and then just in the end, sad and beaten. We went to a Support Group meeting this past Saturday, and I needed it just as much as she did. I needed to see survivors and to be around other caregivers going through the pain of seeing someone they love become so sick. I need my Mother still, and that scares me more than anything. I still need her because deep down, she is my only link to a stable home. She is the only family I have on paper, and she has been my rock. It shakes your world to see your rock become vulnerable because you take it for granted that a rock seems so sturdy, so strong and unbreakable. But they can and do break.

I will still continue my journey, and perhaps now more than ever I need this therapeutic release. The wedding is only 3 months away now, I still want to travel to South Korea and plan to, but above all else, I want, I hope, and pray for my Mom to be able to do one thing, one simple thing that we all take for granted... to take a long, deep breath.