Thursday, January 21, 2010

The Arrival

In a way I came into my adoptive mother's arms the same way a child being born to their biological mother would,... crying. There was a Korean woman who had accompanied me on the flight and tried to explain that I have a new "Uma" or Mother now. People offered me chocolates and candy. People wanted to give me hugs and comfort me. My new mom held me tight. But I didn't want to be held. I didn't want strangers to hug me and I didn't want what they offered me. They looked different, they smelled different, and they sounded different.

My mom said I finally stopped crying when we pulled into a McDonald's and I had my first taste of french fries. She said I was in a much better mood after that. I sang korean songs on the way to my new home in Saginaw. There was a big banner waiting for me, Welcome! More people were there to greet me. For the next few days, curiosity and exhaustion filled my time. I would mimic my new mom's words and play with the toys that were somehow all mine. I would be overwhelmed with my new world and fall asleep wherever I felt tired.

When I ran away for the first time, I assume I was trying to get back to Seoul, my "real" home. It couldn't have been that far away, so I ran, and exhausted, had fallen asleep. My mother found me, I made it as far as the backyard. The following years would be tumultuous, with both highs and lows. I was a true test to a Mother's patience and love. When I learned English, the words were weapons. I found I could say things to hurt my new mom, make her angry and sad. I would use these weapons to push my Mom away, to make her want to take me back, to change her mind. Or in her words, she said I knew exactly how to "push her buttons" to test her, to see if she would give me up. My mom passed every test, because no matter what I did, she was still there. I wish I could say it was only my mom I tested, but unfortunately, I tend to resort back to my old tactics of pushing away as my first line of defense. My fiance knows this quite well, as so do my maids of honor, they know how I push before I give in. Yet, as the wedding day approaches, the idea of forever is becoming more and more real. I've never felt luckier that my friends, my family, and my fiance never let me give up and that they showed me relationships can indeed be steadfast.

No comments:

Post a Comment