I am reminded of the time my Mom told me she was taking me to the dentist for the 1st time. I kicked and screamed as though I was being kidnapped...but not due to going to the dentist...but due to where the dentist was located. His office was a red brick building...and my Mom said it must have reminded me of my orphanage to where I thought she was taking me back.
As you can see, my orphanage was just that, a red brick building. When my husband and I arrived, there were no kids to greet us nor really anyone to greet us. We may have even been trespassing; however I finally saw a woman in the office. She had my name from the Korean adoption agency and she told me she thought I was not going to make the appointment since it was for 11 am that day, and we showed up at 1 pm (due to my mistake...but I was glad we found it at all!) She showed my case file to me which really had nothing in it that I could understand. I saw a couple new photos of me...one where my husband described it as a deep sadness of a lost child... which made me tear up as I stared at my former 4 year old self.
The MAIN picture however that I wanted to see was that of my biological parents... but to my dismay, they either did not have any nor would they give out any information on my parents without a formal inquiry and going through a long and arduous process of paperwork, government submission, etc.... I was tempted for a split second to just grab my case file and run with it. We left and I was feeling a little numb...not due to the disappointment of not being able to see my biological parents pictures...but more so to the fact I did not know how to react. Perhaps I wasn't ready quite yet, I felt I didn't ask enough questions or the right questions. I felt as though I came all this way and should have been more prepared and put up a bigger fight to find out more. I know I had preoccupied myself with so much planning for this trip...with a 13 page agenda for my husband and I to see and do while in South Korea due to how long of a flight it was and how expensive everything was going to cost. I just felt I was numb that after a whole year of planning...my previous life was summed up by pages I couldn't read and pictures I couldn't see.
When I landed back in the States, I still felt numb and told myself it was a good trip. I didn't want to show disappointment to my husband who helped fund the major expenses and make him think it was a waste of money...which it really wasn't, but what was I still searching for?
And then it dawned on me over time... 3 years time seeing how long it has been since my last post... that I may never know what I am searching for and may never find what I am looking for because I don't truly have anything and anyone else to find; except for myself who has all the necessary tools around her to come into her own. I truly believe that if your 18 or 58 ... if your young or old, rich or poor, from any country and any race... we all want to feel a sense of belonging. And I am discovering ...perhaps too slowly, but I am more certain of where I belong, and my home exactly where I am at.
This will be my last post for this blog. I want to thank you for all who have expressed their support and love! I am looking forward to the next chapter in pursuing my passion for writing! If you are interested in visitng South Korea, do not hesitate to email me! You can Message me on Facebook, follow me on Instagram or Twitter @jesseunjoo and I hope that my new adventure will be as fulfilling as this blog was to me during the time I needed it! Bless you all!
